I wrote this post over a year ago and never posted for a few reasons; I’m not even sure what my aim was writing it. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in these thoughts or whether I was ready to release them onto the world, but a friend gave me some kind words and urged me to post it.
Expectations based on assumptions can lead to your biggest downfalls. Sometimes when things are left unsaid or unanswered we assume our own versions of reality and expect outcomes which are unrealistic and which deviate from the course nature’s taking. Recently I’ve found that to take this path and alter your own perception of what is real can be extremely demoralising, mentally exhausting and leaves you with a weird sense of confusion when you snap back to reality. But what are you to do when your inner self can build up such an illusion over such a short space of time, when the voice inside your head remains so clear and omniscient?
If there’s one thing that my latest endeavour has taught me, for all of my failures, all of my un-reached expectations, all of my tasks and goals I haven’t achieved, it’s that I am the single element holding myself back. In almost every situation I can recall, I could have altered the outcome for the better by acting in a different way. I think back to certain scenarios to try and understand why I did or didn’t do certain things or I try and understand how I’ve ended up at the conclusion of a certain event, it always come down to the fact that I either listened to myself, or I lost an argument with myself and talked myself out of doing something. I lost an argument with myself and talked myself out of doing something. Let that sink in for a second. Even as I wrote that line, I thought, how does that make sense? I understand the concept of debating options with yourself internally or verbally, but why do I always choose the wrong option and why is it a persistent battle in my head? Is there more than one voice I’m debating with, they all sound the same!
Maybe this new found understanding, that I am the only restriction to my own happiness and success, is the first step of acceptance and progression and I can start to finally move forward and work around this? Or maybe this new found understanding of the mess that’s in my head is finally confirmation that I’m crazy?!
I guess we’re all a little crazy inside.
I hope you all have an adventurous and successful 2019!